Emotional Intelligence: If I Had Known Then What I Know Now
A personal journey from hindsight to insight.
Discover the transformative journey from defensiveness to emotional intelligence, and how it fosters stronger professional relationships and career growth.
Unpack the essence of emotional intelligence through self-awareness, social awareness, and relationship management, highlighting active listening and vulnerability as key strategies for personal and professional development.
Reflect on the personal growth and improved interpersonal skills achieved by embracing emotional intelligence, with practical insights into pausing before responding and the power of active listening.
Have you ever had that moment when you realised talking fast and snapping back isn’t a clever play? Yeah, me too.
At the beginning of my career as a young producer, I held two strong self-convictions: my quick thinking and my tendency to become defensive when things didn’t go my way. Reacting with an immediate defensive response was a way to shield myself from any perceived criticism, threats, or challenges. These quick responses would manifest behaviours like rationalisation, over-explaining, justifying and sometimes argumentativeness.
Yet, the feedback from my interactions gradually revealed a different reality. However, my quick defensive replies were clever; they often did not persuade others or advance my arguments effectively. Over time, however, I realised that while I accurately identified my feelings of fear that compelled defensive behaviours, my belief in my quick wit was way overestimated.
By valuing defensiveness and quick responses over empathy and active listening, I unknowingly limited my ability to forge strong relationships and access valuable networks essential for career growth. This defensive stance neglected the importance of patience and genuine connection, crucial to nurturing professional relationships. Through self-reflection, I realised this approach restricted my influence and blocked opportunities to engage with supportive networks critical for advancement. What I later learned was I lacked emotional intelligence.
What is Emotional Intelligence?
Various models and frameworks discuss emotional intelligence (EI), including different components or types. However, a common approach to breaking down emotional intelligence, particularly in Daniel Goleman’s widely recognised model, involves understanding it through a series of competencies rather than types. Goleman categorises these competencies into three main domains or clusters:
Self-awareness and Self-regulation:
This domain focuses on the individual’s understanding of their emotions and how they manage them. Self-awareness is the ability to recognise and understand one’s moods, emotions, drives, and their effect on others. Self-regulation involves working with or redirecting disruptive emotions and impulses to adapt to changing circumstances.
Reflection is pivotal in enhancing self-awareness, acting as a mirror allowing individuals to see the intricacies of their emotional landscape. Regular reflection lets people delve deeper into their thoughts and feelings, identifying patterns and triggers influencing their emotional responses. This reflective practice encourages a heightened level of self-awareness, enabling individuals to recognise the breadth of their emotions and the depth of their impact on others.
Moreover, reflection fosters self-regulation by providing a space to assess and recalibrate reactions to challenging situations critically. Through this reflective process, individuals can develop a more nuanced understanding of their emotional drivers, learning to navigate them more effectively. As such, reflection is a tool for self-awareness and a foundation for emotional intelligence, facilitating a balanced approach to dynamic management and adaptation in an ever-evolving environment.
Social Awareness:
This type involves empathy and organisational awareness. Empathy is the ability to understand the emotional makeup of other people and treat people according to their emotional reactions. Organisational awareness refers to understanding the dynamics within an organisation, including power relationships, social networks, and organisational politics.
Active listening is a cornerstone in cultivating social awareness, serving as the conduit through which empathy and organisational understanding flow. By actively listening, individuals hear and comprehend the emotions and underlying messages conveyed by others. This deep level of understanding fosters empathy, enabling one to connect with the emotional experiences of others and respond with sensitivity and awareness.
Active listening enhances understanding of the broader organisational context, revealing the nuances of power structures, social networks, and political dynamics through verbal and non-verbal cues. This skill enables individuals to navigate the intricate web of relationships adeptly and influence within an organisation, significantly improving their operational effectiveness and social understanding.
Relationship Management:
This domain encompasses the skills to manage relationships, including influence, conflict management, inspirational leadership, communication, change catalyst, developing others, teamwork, and collaboration.
The power of vulnerability in relationship management is profound yet underappreciated. Leaders showing vulnerability bolster their influence and foster trust and team cohesion. Sharing personal challenges and failures humanises leaders, enhancing their relatability and approachability. This openness cultivates a culture where team members feel safe to share, fostering authentic communication and deeper connections. Ultimately, vulnerability lays the groundwork for a workplace where loyalty and a strong sense of belonging thrive, essential for effective leadership and dynamic team interactions.
Moreover, by modelling vulnerability, leaders inadvertently empower their teams to take risks, innovate, and embrace their vulnerabilities, leading to a more dynamic, resilient, and cohesive unit. Though less visible, this relationship management aspect catalyses the workplace into an environment where inspiration, collaboration, and developmental growth flourish.
While these domains are part of a comprehensive model of emotional intelligence, it’s important to note that other researchers and theorists might categorise the components of EI differently. For example, some models emphasise a two-factor approach (personal and social competence), while others may delineate more specific types or skills within emotional intelligence. However, Goleman’s model remains one of the most influential and widely cited in the field of EI.
If I could send a note to my younger self:
Embracing emotional intelligence would have been a transformative approach in my early career, offering profound benefits in understanding and navigating the complex landscape of interpersonal relationships and self-awareness. First and foremost, a deeper comprehension of my emotions would have allowed me to recognise the roots of my defensiveness—not as a mere reaction to external criticism but as a manifestation of underlying fears and insecurities. This level of self-awareness is crucial, as it paves the way for more mindful responses rather than instinctual defensive reactions.
Self-control would have been crucial in better managing my actions. By pinpointing what prompted my defensive reactions, I could have crafted strategies to pause and consider before responding, opting for reactions that better matched my long-term goals and principles. Moving from spontaneous reactions to considered responses would have reduced regrettable exchanges and cultivated an image of tranquillity and professionalism. Establishing clear personal boundaries could have aided in keeping my focus and lessening the chances of feeling swamped—a frequent trigger for defensive behaviour.
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Moreover, cultivating empathy would have significantly enhanced my interactions with others. Understanding that criticism or differing opinions are not personal attacks but perspectives that could offer valuable insights would have fostered a more open and constructive dialogue. Empathy allows for a genuine connection with others, facilitating a workspace where feedback is freely and positively exchanged. This shift from a defensive stance to openness and curiosity about others’ viewpoints could have led to richer collaborations and a more harmonious working environment.
In hindsight, integrating emotional intelligence into my early career would have improved my interpersonal skills and contributed to my personal growth. It would have equipped me with the tools to navigate the complexities of emotional responses, enabling me to respond to challenges with greater maturity and understanding. Emotional intelligence offers a foundation for building resilient, effective, and fulfilling professional relationships by fostering self-awareness, self-regulation, and empathy.
My ongoing journey applying emotional intelligence:
Partly driven by my stubbornness and partly by the advice I received, I started experimenting with pausing—giving myself a brief break of 5, 10, or even 30 seconds before responding. The challenge involved engaging in discussions and consciously delaying my immediate reaction. My goal was to listen genuinely and empathise, which initially felt complex and unfamiliar.
However, this technique quickly proved its worth. By holding back and concentrating on actively listening to what others said, I discovered that my eventual contributions became significantly more insightful than any of my earlier, instantaneous responses.
Another step I undertook to enhance my self-reflection involved recording my emotions and insights. I maintain a Google Document named “Articulating my emotional triggers,” divided into three categories:
Actions by others that provoke me
Categories of individuals who intensify my reactions to these actions
My emotional reactions
Whenever I notice a regression to previous emotions and actions, I consult this document as a refresher.
Integrating active listening into my daily life has profoundly enriched my interactions. This approach, initially adopted from a desire for self-improvement and the guidance received, has become a cornerstone of my communication strategy. By intentionally pausing to understand rather than react, I foster deeper connections. This method helps diffuse potential conflicts and cultivate a genuine understanding and respect for diverse perspectives. Active listening has transformed my conversations into meaningful exchanges, elevating my relationships and enhancing my ability to empathise with and understand those around me.
Key Takeaways:
Looking back on my journey, I’ve found that embracing emotional intelligence has been a game-changer. Initially, my tendency to react quickly and defensively was a barrier to forming strong professional relationships and furthering my growth.
Diving into the core aspects of EI—such as self-awareness, self-regulation, social awareness, and relationship management—really opened my eyes. I learned the importance of pausing before responding, actively listening to others, and not being afraid to show vulnerability.
I could better identify and manage these feelings by documenting moments that triggered strong emotions. This process has been incredibly enlightening.
Active listening, in particular, has transformed my interactions, deepening my connections with others and making every conversation more meaningful. This journey of developing my emotional intelligence has significantly enhanced my interpersonal skills.
It has been crucial for my personal growth and professional development, showcasing the transformative power of emotional intelligence. This experience has underscored the value of EI in creating more meaningful relationships and achieving personal growth.